As Christmas rolls around the corner, It is nearly impossible not to feel homesick. Which is kind of strange considering I am at home. Honestly I try not to use that word anymore, because for us exchange students, and world travellers, the word home becomes unbelievably confusing. We have a different sense of home. We understand that home is not where we lay our heads to sleep, but something infinitely larger and more meaningful. So I avoid it as much as I can. Because home for me sometimes means sitting outside 7-11 in 40 degree weather eating a banana cake, and sometimes it means sitting on my bed watching the snow fall as I drink hot chocolate.
I also try to avoid using the word family. Because honestly it just creates a giant tangled up mess in my heart. Yes, my bloodline and relatives are family to me. We are related, and I care deeply for them. But I also have four other moms, Ba Air, Mae Jim, Mae Jip, and Mae Mew and four other dads, and eight other brothers and sisters, and this huge amount of love from my other family Olivia, Dani, Robby, Shara, Sofia, Erika, Meg, Gabi, Carlie, Gerardo, Zeke, Timmy, Allen, Marliee, Carlos, Henry, Sophia, Ana, CJ, Lucie, Rox, Teahlean, and Cartoon. How am I suppose to untangle that huge knot? Ya blood may be thicker then water, but that should never be able decipher who is in my family.
Christmas is a time for both family and a sense of being at home. But how can I celebrate Christmas, and feel fulfilled, when my definition of family and home have drastically changed. Three years ago christmas for me was spent under the christmas tree with my bloodline family and it was perfect. And last year it was spent exploring Bangkok, watching an elephant ride a tricycle, and sneaking all twenty something members of my family into one room so we could read christmas stories together. and it was perfect. But how will I ever be able to blend those two christmas's together? Christmas will never be the same, because I will never be the same.
Its hard to explain. But my view on christmas is basically how I view my whole life now. I have changed, and the world around me is spinning much slower then me. I had purpose before, I had purpose during but where is my purpose now?
